17 June, 2009

I am leaving you

Dear, let me start this conversation as we started some of the first ones,
summoning friendship.
Today we are not what we used to be and we are not what we wanted to be.
We have come a long way apart from each-other and from ourselves.
I don’t think I can undo the past.
Neither do I think can you
we each have our reasons
But still, let me start this co

nversation,
as someone who once was the love of your life. And let me bring to context,
my actions tonite.

Dear, I take you back into my first memory as a person – since the time I started dreaming less and living some more.
I have asked existential questions to which I haven’t found answers.
Questions like why I am alive, why I see day after day, why I need to keep sustaining this body till my chances of living seem less?
And one fine day, reason and logic go out the window when I chance upon a speeding car?
Freud was too intellectual for sustain.
The words seemed a weight I am to carry as I carry my life

Perhaps somewhere you too feel this way
Perhaps you too think of the reasons for your I
when the children as asleep and the garbage is out,
when the blinds are down and the lights are out
then perhaps, just perhaps you think of the I within you.
But come morning sunshine
the voices inside you are submerged with Rakhi crying and Sumit fighting
And you go behind them
And you leave the I behind.

You will ask me dear,
Why all this reference?
But the words as here for a reason
And as a whole they will convey the meaning
Do not go by these small paragraphs or a few damn words
I will keep the words limited and
Hence I am starting this conversation Dear,
because I think the ‘I’ is gone from the ‘Love You’
and the reason the ‘I’ is gone is because I haven’t found the answers to my questions and I am tired of pretending myself.
I have been too weak in the past to mend my ways
or to break away from set rules
and revolt
and rebel.

I am starting this conversation so that you, my love,
can understand the pleasure of ending this torture
And someday you might find the courage to forgive and applaud me for the step I have taken.

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